2021
i havent been romantic with someone in years. maybe i really never have. i dont go out. i hate it outside. i have no one out there. i just feel alone. i always do. maybe this is just my lot in life.
i threw away the knife. it was rusted. i didnt feel any better when i did. maybe i even regret it.
i met up with a very old friend. it was polite enough at first. he told me i let everyone down. that i failed everyone by fading away. that i didnt take any chances.
hes right.
i cried the whole night after i thought i was dry forever. he deserves to hate me. i deserve to be hated. i cant even be there for people. i dont deserve anything
Here I journal my empty days and how I'm wasting my fucking life.
I have instruments I don't play, pencils & brushes I don't use, friends I'm scared of talking to and no one to hold.
I watch dumb fucking shows and videos. I've sold all my hobbies just to make rent. I barely brush my teeth once a month. I haven't been to a doctor in a decade.
I'm scared to go outside and all I do is smoke fucking dope to empty my dumb fucking skull.
I fucking hate myself and you should hate me, too.
RATGIRL FEMCEL NEET
A creative writing project that journals my worst years in a heavily edited form.