2020
i accidently let out that ive had crushes and feelings for girls. half the people wont let up and keep talking about me like im a youporn video
hes been in a locked voice channel with some one for weeks now. i cant say hello anymore. he doesnt want me. ive wasted all our time
i had to buy weed in bulk because lockdown. i dont have anything else but this and a pc. im scared but what if i do die? will it be what i want
i dont know how to feel about everyone living vaguely like i do every day now. i see people reach out and help eachother. i see them say the kindest things after only a few months.
everyone but me is worth that. i never got that and i never will. i dont deserve anything like that. i never have.
Here I journal my empty days and how I'm wasting my fucking life.
I have instruments I don't play, pencils & brushes I don't use, friends I'm scared of talking to and no one to hold.
I watch dumb fucking shows and videos. I've sold all my hobbies just to make rent. I barely brush my teeth once a month. I haven't been to a doctor in a decade.
I'm scared to go outside and all I do is smoke fucking dope to empty my dumb fucking skull.
I fucking hate myself and you should hate me, too.
RATGIRL FEMCEL NEET
A creative writing project that journals my worst years in a heavily edited form.