2019
dad has stopped smoking. they still storm up the stairs to loudly remind me of things. i still cant talk to people online because they pull out the internet cable at night. i dont have the money for a phone and subscription that can do internet on its own.
i tried cooking some more. i liked cooking. its just that my parents always said i did everyting wrong as they hover over me and take things into their own hands.
they cant even cook themselves. neither of them have ever even seen any kind of spice in their life.
i started talking to people on a garrys mod server and they are my only friends now. everyone has passed me by. im way older. i dont know. they treat me okay.
one of them is cute and i like talking to him, maybe.
Here I journal my empty days and how I'm wasting my fucking life.
I have instruments I don't play, pencils & brushes I don't use, friends I'm scared of talking to and no one to hold.
I watch dumb fucking shows and videos. I've sold all my hobbies just to make rent. I barely brush my teeth once a month. I haven't been to a doctor in a decade.
I'm scared to go outside and all I do is smoke fucking dope to empty my dumb fucking skull.
I fucking hate myself and you should hate me, too.
RATGIRL FEMCEL NEET
A creative writing project that journals my worst years in a heavily edited form.