2014
i was alone again for new years. well. dad had to smoke in my room again with all his friends. i walked downstairs and they asked me what my fucking problem was.
i walked outside and hoped random heavy fireworks would hit me.
i started watching steven universe. everyone hates it. it just makes me sad that even cartoon characters get chances to prove themselves. that even cartoon characters are more complete people than me.
im trying to be kinder but im also stuck with being me.
he moved away for good. he is across the planet now living a better life without me. he deserves to be happy. who am i even to him now. just some depressive bitch from junior high who he wouldnt even pity fuck. i never deserved him anyway. i dont deserve any of this.
Here I journal my empty days and how I'm wasting my fucking life.
I have instruments I don't play, pencils & brushes I don't use, friends I'm scared of talking to and no one to hold.
I watch dumb fucking shows and videos. I've sold all my hobbies just to make rent. I barely brush my teeth once a month. I haven't been to a doctor in a decade.
I'm scared to go outside and all I do is smoke fucking dope to empty my dumb fucking skull.
I fucking hate myself and you should hate me, too.
RATGIRL FEMCEL NEET
A creative writing project that journals my worst years in a heavily edited form.