2008
my dad keeps coming into my room to smoke. i have to close all my tabs and turn of my music. i have to end phone and voice calls. i have to sit there and nod along with whatever he says to and about me. he sits on the bed and it creaks everytime. i dont even have my own room to be in. all the guests who smoke sit here too.
i applied to multiple schools for art and IT and they all rejected me. im a low-grade student and the truancy is on my record. im never getting anywhere in my dumb fucking life and i should stop trying to fight myself
im going to do something with sport. maybe i can at least lose weight and learn how to throw a punch. just something else. something that gets me away from here.
im older then everyone and they dont like my grunge look. they dont pick me for group projects and not even the teachers really care about how im doing. ive cried in the locker rooms a few times. theres someone who i kinda like. but he doesnt care.
i want to draw but it looks like shit. i want to break my fingers. i dont do anything useful with them anyway.
Here I journal my empty days and how I'm wasting my fucking life.
I have instruments I don't play, pencils & brushes I don't use, friends I'm scared of talking to and no one to hold.
I watch dumb fucking shows and videos. I've sold all my hobbies just to make rent. I barely brush my teeth once a month. I haven't been to a doctor in a decade.
I'm scared to go outside and all I do is smoke fucking dope to empty my dumb fucking skull.
I fucking hate myself and you should hate me, too.
RATGIRL FEMCEL NEET
A creative writing project that journals my worst years in a heavily edited form.