2011

i got a job at a place i to go to a lot nowadays. cleaning job. the guy instructing me was on his last day and he didnt care.

the people here are okay to me. they still treat me like half a freak, but at least i work before they do and leave by the time they show up. theres someone there i like but im scared im just a novelty to him

theres a girl who works the other shift and i want to talk to her. shes kinda like me and the few times we worked together we laughed a little. i want to kiss her. i want to hold her hand

we went out for a few company parties and he said we could be together but we have to be careful. i dont even care anymore. i just want to be held again by some one after all these years. why cant it be her.

he asked me to sit down on the couch. he slowly took off my vest and just looked at me. he went to grab a drink. he held my face and asked me why i was being so fucking weird. i was scared of being told to leave. i took the rest off and just sat there. he made out with me and bit my earlobe too hard. i didnt say anything.

my leg cramped up. my back hurt so much. i gave him the worst blowjob and he flaccidly blasted in my mouth. i coughed and almost cried. i got on top because i couldnt get it in and i broke a support post of the bed. i stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and cried before i put on my clothes and left. i didnt even shower

i dont deserve to be loved. i dont even know what to do. i cant do anything right.

the other girl is leaving and im getting replaced by a cleaning company. im useless and unfuckable, but at least i can buy weed and forget about myself for a while