2015
i applied to more places that require no experience but its all miles away. i dont have a car. i dont have a bike. i dont have anything. im not even good enough for entry level work in whatever.
i bought a plastic cock. i have to hide it and can only use it in secret and when im 100% sure everyone has gone to bed. im supposed to be an adult or some shit and i cant even get this done. i just dont want to be surrounded and walk on eggshells my whole worthless life
i cant even use it again. i just feel as useless as i did those years back with him. i cant even imagine people wanting me. i cant even fantasize without reality coming in to remind me,
my parents dont even care anymore. they dont look at me. they only talk and judge me when they have to smoke in my room. i dont know who to kill first out of all of us anymore.
Here I journal my empty days and how I'm wasting my fucking life.
I have instruments I don't play, pencils & brushes I don't use, friends I'm scared of talking to and no one to hold.
I watch dumb fucking shows and videos. I've sold all my hobbies just to make rent. I barely brush my teeth once a month. I haven't been to a doctor in a decade.
I'm scared to go outside and all I do is smoke fucking dope to empty my dumb fucking skull.
I fucking hate myself and you should hate me, too.
RATGIRL FEMCEL NEET
A creative writing project that journals my worst years in a heavily edited form.