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2013

all i do is wish i woke up dead. i crawl behind my trash computer and just scroll imageboards stoned. i go to bed at like 3 AM

i start watching mlp because fuck it, why not. it makes me cry. its just these horses being kind to eachother. why the fuck does seeing others, even a fucking tv pony, be happier then me fuck me up so bad.

they do these lessons on friendship and all this 'in the end i will always be with you' and i just tear up. i dont have that, ill never have that.

i cant even find solace in the fandom or whatever, its overrun by dudes twice my age.

i showed my parents the knife and how i wanted to kill myself. my dad looked at me and asked what he was supposed to fucking do about it. i dont know what to even do anymore

i threw the knife away

 

i dug up the knife from the bottom of the trash bin

 

 I'm a fucking loser called Erika, Unemployed, college drop-out, failure of a daughter, unfuckable and have nothing to look forward to.

Here I journal my empty days and how I'm wasting my fucking life.

I have instruments I don't play, pencils & brushes I don't use, friends I'm scared of talking to and no one to hold.

I watch dumb fucking shows and videos. I've sold all my hobbies just to make rent. I barely brush my teeth once a month. I haven't been to a doctor in a decade.

I'm scared to go outside and all I do is smoke fucking dope to empty my dumb fucking skull.

I fucking hate myself and you should hate me, too.

RATGIRL FEMCEL NEET

A creative writing project that journals my worst years in a heavily edited form.